Change

One of the only inevitables in life is change. Everything always changes. Change can bring about good or bad, or really leave you feeling indifferent. It can be horribly uncomfortable or longingly welcomed. It can be a combination of all of the above or none of it at all. Well my friends, change is in the air. There are so very many changes in my life that I want to talk about from my full blown anxiety, a possible career change on my horizon,  to high school graduation and learning to deal with a bipolar adult (wow, where did the time go????) trying to help him navigate the world and hopefully (for the love please!!!) leave the nest soon, to having learned our youngest is dyslexic and figuring how to help him while navigating a public school system that is not necessarily made to help kids like him ( that is a whole other post), to a husband with chronic pain and how we are trying to manage that. This is now my world.  Some days it feels like a prison but most of the time, as of late,  I am working on loving it and fully embracing it. This is my life..... a roller coaster for certain. I hope you will enjoy reading and discover new things along the way!

Sometimes...

With everything that is going on with our oldest, I can't help feel like a horrible mom. A bad parent. Perhaps this is why we haven't been able to have a second child if our own. Perhaps if I had been better our home would have already been blessed with another angel. 

Sometimes I feel disdain for him. For all he has done and how he has affected our family, especially his little brother. Somedays the anger is palpable. I often wonder if the anger would be so intense if he was my "own" child. Biologically mine. With me from day one. I chastise myself frequently for feeling this way.  I feel like an awful person frequently. 

Why does this have to be our path? We keep having these big trials. It just doesn't seem to quit raining over us. I am trying my best to learn to be happy in spite of everything and feel like I do an ok job but man!!!! When is enough enough? I sometimes want to "tap out".  Just be done, even for a few minutes. I don't want our little one to think life is always stressful. I am tired of my anxiety taking over the vast majority of our activities. I am tired of feeling like a basket case. 

I am glad our oldest isn't living with us right now but rather his grandparents. I wish he understood how lucky he is instead of constantly feeling put out - like he is owed more. I feel like we give him more than he deserves right now. I feel guilty but wish he would just stay with his grandparents. Visit and do stuff with us, but live there the remainder if high school. I feel very selfish for that. For my on sanity though its good right now. I am worried my marriage won't last through all this. That would devastate me.  Break me more than I am already broken. 

So Very Different

I have been thinking a lot about my life. It is so very different than anything I ever imagined. I honestly never realized how difficult it was to raise a teenage boy. Especially as the step parent. I can always give my input, but it really up to my husband on what he decides to do. I never really thought I would feel like a prisoner in my own home. Not that I feel that way constantly, but I never would have thought that to be something I ever felt when I had my own home.

Some days, I long to run away from it all. Pack up my husband and kids and start over again. Reinvent myself. Our family. Some days I wonder if it would be better for Gavin to be with his mother. Maybe we aren't very good parents. Maybe that is why God hasn't blessed us with another. Maybe Gav feels replaced by me and Spence and that is the root of some of his issues. I don't know. I think about it all way too much. Enough to make me crazy at times.

Spence is only young and little and enamored by everything once. And that is now. He gets so very excited about everything and I love it. He is definitely my little ray of sunshine. I want to give him the world. I also want to do things very different this time around. Maybe we won't have so many issues. I know each child is different so nothing is a guaranty.

I always thought I would excel in my career. Move up to management. However, often times lately, I realize more and more that in the banking industry I won't get far as I am the wrong gender. It's frustrating.

But, in the end, I will keep plugging along. I will keep trying. I will keeping trying to have the family I always wanted. To have smart, academically minds children. To have well rounded, social kids. To make my home a sanctuary for my family. To continue to progress in my career. Who knows? One day my dreams may all come true.

My Heart Hurts

This can't be happening. In less than one month, 20 days to be exact, my BABY (MY BABY!!!) turns 1. He won't be a baby anymore. Hell, he isn't much of a baby now, more of a toddler. I want to cry. In fact, I cry every time I think about it.

 

I can't believe a year has come and gone. This much anticipated addition to our family has made himself a mainstay in our home, and life has never been the same. We wouldn't want it to change.

 

The relationship Spence and Gav have is beyond words. I want to cry half the time watching them adore and love each other. Gav waited 11 years for a sibling and now, he has one that adores him and loves him more than he will ever know.

 

My heart aches. My baby. The sweet little loving boy that I held in my arms. The little man I nursed for 9 months (even though it was so hard at first). My snuggle bug (thank goodness he still loves to cuddle with his Mama!). I don't want him to grow up. I want to keep him small and innocent forever!

 

It makes me want another. Another baby, exactly the same. Or perhaps to just regress Spence to infancy again. Never let him get any older than 11 months. I think I am completely ok with that.

 

I am one of those strange people. I have never really minded the lack of sleep, the lack of personal space/time, the poopy, smelly diapers. I love his smile, his dimples, his eyes, his cry. He is perfect. He loves me unconditionally, and I him. I don't want any of that to ever change.

 

I am nervous for the temper tantrums, which I know are coming as we have had previews. I am nervous that he won't love me as much as time goes on. I don't want to see his hurts and pains. I wish we could stop time and make it so he can't grow up. Go from an infant to an adult overnight in 20 years. That would be ideal to me. My little squirrel.

 

I want to protect him in the cocoon of my love, nestled snug and tight against my chest, wrapped in my arms... forever.

One of Those...

It feels like one of those days today. Who am I kidding? Its been one of those days for weeks and I just don't know what to do about it.

 

I don't understand a lot of what's going on in my life right now. I don't understand why I feel the way I do. I just don't get it.

 

I want to know what I want in life. Do I want to be a stay-at-home mom? Do I want a brood of kidlets? I don't know. Some days yes, most days no. Do I want to be a career woman? Some days yes, some days no. It all boils down to I don't know what I want.

 

Its sad to me, because, as far back as I can remember, I planned things out. I would graduate high school at 18, college by 22, be married at 23, have my first child at 24, second at 26, third at 28 and fourth at 30. I was going to have two boys and two girls, with my first born, of course, being a boy. I would be a mom, full-time. I used to think I would be a pediatric surgeon, but the thought of someone else being with my kids more than me broke my heart.

 

Fast forward to now. My life, without exaggeration, is completely different than I ever imagined. I am a 29 year old banker with two children; a 12 year old step son and a 10 month old biological son. I did graduate high school at 18, and college at 22. I didn't get married until I was 26, I didn't have my biological son until I was 28.

 

I am not really sure if I care that things didn't go according to my master plan. I am not so rigid that I can't change with the circumstances. Sometimes I feel gypped, especially when I look around at my friends and see where they are at in their lives. Sometimes I feel gypped I never got time alone with my husband. I jumped into a ready made family. I never realized how hard that would be.  We never got to make memories, just me and him. All our memories are family memories, which are wonderful. I just don't have anything just ours to look back upon.

 

I wish I had a roadmap showing me what I should do and where I should go. What my family should look like, and what my job should be. I wish I had more guidance. I wish I had a passion. Everyone always talks about "doing what you love". That really sucks, because, well, I don't know what I love? I honestly couldn't pick a single career I would want to do simply because I loved it. So what's wrong with me?

 

I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling lost and alone. And I just don't know what to do to change that.

Are you kidding me?

Husband, has, for the past few days, been asking me if I am pregnant. Sure, I haven't felt well. Sure, I am tired. DUH! The Baby doesn't SLEEP! But, seriously? This is from the man who says he doesn't want any more kids??? Um, yea.

 

So, being me, I snottily ask, Why? You want me to be?  WRONG. QUESTION. I am BLOWN away. Husband says yup, why not have 'em close and "get it over with". WTF?!

 

Let's think for a moment, shall we? Oldest is 12, Baby is 8 MONTHS FOR CRAPS SAKE! And he wants another!? Does he think I am crazy? I am still nursing. I am still getting up several times a night. I HAVE A JOB!!!!! My mind is spinning.

 

But, then, deep down. In some quiet space in my heart. Way back in the corner. It says, I would like to be pregnant again too. And that scares me beyond all measure.

My Life As I See It

So I am starting this blog, my "secret blog", to have an avenue to express myself more openly. You know, not pick and choose my words and stories so I won't be embarassed when my mom reads it. This is my life, I think, as I see it.