It feels like one of those days today. Who am I kidding? Its been one of those days for weeks and I just don't know what to do about it.
I don't understand a lot of what's going on in my life right now. I don't understand why I feel the way I do. I just don't get it.
I want to know what I want in life. Do I want to be a stay-at-home mom? Do I want a brood of kidlets? I don't know. Some days yes, most days no. Do I want to be a career woman? Some days yes, some days no. It all boils down to I don't know what I want.
Its sad to me, because, as far back as I can remember, I planned things out. I would graduate high school at 18, college by 22, be married at 23, have my first child at 24, second at 26, third at 28 and fourth at 30. I was going to have two boys and two girls, with my first born, of course, being a boy. I would be a mom, full-time. I used to think I would be a pediatric surgeon, but the thought of someone else being with my kids more than me broke my heart.
Fast forward to now. My life, without exaggeration, is completely different than I ever imagined. I am a 29 year old banker with two children; a 12 year old step son and a 10 month old biological son. I did graduate high school at 18, and college at 22. I didn't get married until I was 26, I didn't have my biological son until I was 28.
I am not really sure if I care that things didn't go according to my master plan. I am not so rigid that I can't change with the circumstances. Sometimes I feel gypped, especially when I look around at my friends and see where they are at in their lives. Sometimes I feel gypped I never got time alone with my husband. I jumped into a ready made family. I never realized how hard that would be. We never got to make memories, just me and him. All our memories are family memories, which are wonderful. I just don't have anything just ours to look back upon.
I wish I had a roadmap showing me what I should do and where I should go. What my family should look like, and what my job should be. I wish I had more guidance. I wish I had a passion. Everyone always talks about "doing what you love". That really sucks, because, well, I don't know what I love? I honestly couldn't pick a single career I would want to do simply because I loved it. So what's wrong with me?
I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling lost and alone. And I just don't know what to do to change that.
