Sometimes...

With everything that is going on with our oldest, I can't help feel like a horrible mom. A bad parent. Perhaps this is why we haven't been able to have a second child if our own. Perhaps if I had been better our home would have already been blessed with another angel. 

Sometimes I feel disdain for him. For all he has done and how he has affected our family, especially his little brother. Somedays the anger is palpable. I often wonder if the anger would be so intense if he was my "own" child. Biologically mine. With me from day one. I chastise myself frequently for feeling this way.  I feel like an awful person frequently. 

Why does this have to be our path? We keep having these big trials. It just doesn't seem to quit raining over us. I am trying my best to learn to be happy in spite of everything and feel like I do an ok job but man!!!! When is enough enough? I sometimes want to "tap out".  Just be done, even for a few minutes. I don't want our little one to think life is always stressful. I am tired of my anxiety taking over the vast majority of our activities. I am tired of feeling like a basket case. 

I am glad our oldest isn't living with us right now but rather his grandparents. I wish he understood how lucky he is instead of constantly feeling put out - like he is owed more. I feel like we give him more than he deserves right now. I feel guilty but wish he would just stay with his grandparents. Visit and do stuff with us, but live there the remainder if high school. I feel very selfish for that. For my on sanity though its good right now. I am worried my marriage won't last through all this. That would devastate me.  Break me more than I am already broken. 

So Very Different

I have been thinking a lot about my life. It is so very different than anything I ever imagined. I honestly never realized how difficult it was to raise a teenage boy. Especially as the step parent. I can always give my input, but it really up to my husband on what he decides to do. I never really thought I would feel like a prisoner in my own home. Not that I feel that way constantly, but I never would have thought that to be something I ever felt when I had my own home.

Some days, I long to run away from it all. Pack up my husband and kids and start over again. Reinvent myself. Our family. Some days I wonder if it would be better for Gavin to be with his mother. Maybe we aren't very good parents. Maybe that is why God hasn't blessed us with another. Maybe Gav feels replaced by me and Spence and that is the root of some of his issues. I don't know. I think about it all way too much. Enough to make me crazy at times.

Spence is only young and little and enamored by everything once. And that is now. He gets so very excited about everything and I love it. He is definitely my little ray of sunshine. I want to give him the world. I also want to do things very different this time around. Maybe we won't have so many issues. I know each child is different so nothing is a guaranty.

I always thought I would excel in my career. Move up to management. However, often times lately, I realize more and more that in the banking industry I won't get far as I am the wrong gender. It's frustrating.

But, in the end, I will keep plugging along. I will keep trying. I will keeping trying to have the family I always wanted. To have smart, academically minds children. To have well rounded, social kids. To make my home a sanctuary for my family. To continue to progress in my career. Who knows? One day my dreams may all come true.