Sometimes...

With everything that is going on with our oldest, I can't help feel like a horrible mom. A bad parent. Perhaps this is why we haven't been able to have a second child if our own. Perhaps if I had been better our home would have already been blessed with another angel. 

Sometimes I feel disdain for him. For all he has done and how he has affected our family, especially his little brother. Somedays the anger is palpable. I often wonder if the anger would be so intense if he was my "own" child. Biologically mine. With me from day one. I chastise myself frequently for feeling this way.  I feel like an awful person frequently. 

Why does this have to be our path? We keep having these big trials. It just doesn't seem to quit raining over us. I am trying my best to learn to be happy in spite of everything and feel like I do an ok job but man!!!! When is enough enough? I sometimes want to "tap out".  Just be done, even for a few minutes. I don't want our little one to think life is always stressful. I am tired of my anxiety taking over the vast majority of our activities. I am tired of feeling like a basket case. 

I am glad our oldest isn't living with us right now but rather his grandparents. I wish he understood how lucky he is instead of constantly feeling put out - like he is owed more. I feel like we give him more than he deserves right now. I feel guilty but wish he would just stay with his grandparents. Visit and do stuff with us, but live there the remainder if high school. I feel very selfish for that. For my on sanity though its good right now. I am worried my marriage won't last through all this. That would devastate me.  Break me more than I am already broken.